Panic Time(s)

April 23, 2018

We’re at serious crunch time. My move out date is 9 days away and I don’t have a place to move into. If you read my last blog entry, you know staying really isn’t an option right now, but I need somewhere to go. It’s not that there haven’t been places, but they’ve gone to other people—lanlord’s choice, not mine. I am either between paralyzing anxiety and walking depression, neither of which helps me.

There are times when I hear myself say “I’ve never been this pannicked before.” Then I realize that it’s not true. This isn’t the first time that I’ve suddenly had to vacate a residence quickly. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to leave with no real place to go tet. It’s definitely harder with a child, but it’s not the first time dealing with that either. I’ve done it all before to one degree or another, and while it was hard, anxiety provoking, terrifying, and a breakdown of self on many levels., I made it through and got what I needed. A friend of mine told me, at a time of similar upheaval, that I am a survivor. Not that I didn’t believe him, but I was hoping to be able to do more than just survive. After getting through that time and knowing where I am now, knowing I can and will survive is a good things. I can navigate through Hell; I’ve done it before. Even if the path through is slightly unfamiliar, I’ve seen it in other forms already. I will survive this and make sure my daughter does too.

There’s a point where I need to make contingency plans and I know what they are. I have friends in my corner and that helps. Plus I am not giving up yet—I have a few places to look at and something will pan out. It’s very hard to be in the middle of this, but knowing my ability to get through all I have in the past means I will make it out of this too.

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Life Off the Grid

April 14, 2018

Dropping off the grid is more routine for me than usual. It’s part of growing older I guess. Actually it’s growing older without learning good time management and organizational skills along the way. If I did I’d have time to stress out and write. As such, that which is least urgent suffers.

Coming back from Vegas, a few things immediately popped up. Food stamps required another review after I seemed to have a review last week, and there was another section 8 inspection of the house which also seemed too recent. SNAP always needs a six month review of finances and they try to get it a couple months ahead of the cutoff date; so I always feel like I’m saving paystubs in batches of four weeks at a time just for them. The section 8 inspection was a surprise. The last inspections was our two year inspection with a new inspector who is nice guy and a thorough inspector. He found a bunch of problems that needed to be fixed before he would certify it. Most of it was regular wear and tear on an old building and the rest I blame the cat (yes, I’m sloppy but I don’t damage walls). But I think failing the two times triggered an early inspection in mid-January. So I did what I could, cleaned up the house did the paperwork, mailed off what I could to SNAP and waited for the inspections.

The inspection cae first. As usual he found new wear and tears to the place—mostly to normal usage but stuff that caused another failure on the inspection. One thing was mine and the rest the landlord had to fix. This got the landlord (honestly her daughter) mad that she had to keep spending money on repairs to the house. That and the fact that I “wasn’t keeping the place like she remembered it”—whatever that meant; it was sort of a wistful remembrance of the place as it used to be. Either way, it led them to ask me to leave the apartment. I was a little stung but not surprised. It seemed to be brewing for a while, and I hate to be living under ambiguous assumptions so I took it a time to move on. Oh, and the food stamps were taken away as I was over my monthly allowance; I’m not making a lot of money, but I won’t miss $15 a month.

Finding an apartment is usually pretty simple, but now I had a section 8 voucher. Believe me it helps with the rent and I know I can afford a place to live, but finding a place was a new ball game. There’s a whole process to go through before I could start looking and then trying to find a place that was affordable, within Sophia’s school district, and took section 8 made this an uphill climb; made all the worse by the landlady saying at the end of Feruary that I had to be out by March 31. I took over the lease in late April and thought I had until then to move, but their lawyer was going by the lease as it was originally stated at the time of Sophia’s mother’s death, which was the end of March. I told her I would need until the end of Arpil to move out, but she didn’t really listen to me. First it was “We can give you a little time, but not much,” then it was we need to reinstate the termination date to section 8 so they can pay her for April. Luckily because of an accounting error, I was owed $2200 by section 8 which they were forwarding to the landlady who would supposedly pay me back. Knowing getting them to be that honorable was a bigger battle than it was worth, I told them to keep the money and use that as the rent for April so we can forgo the bureaucratic stuff. I was worth my piece of mind to let that money go to where it was needed.

I thought I had a place, but today I found out I lost it. I think there was enough problems with my credit (which needs work) and an eviction from 2012 that did me in. The realtor who tried to get me that place, which was walking distance from Sophia’s school, is trying to work with me and section 8 to find something by April 30. I’m glad she’s helping out because I can use someone in my corner. I sent out a call for thoughts and prayers, and only recently upped to to offerings and animal or human sacrifices. Either way, I need a back up plan if I can’t find anything. The stress has gotten to the point that my stomach cramped up for the last two days. Not the flu, but it still sucks to try to work with pain and exhaustion. Hopefully I’ll be able to blog more regularly, starting with an announcement that I found a place to live.

It’s one of those times when I can’t complain about things. Work is good, Sophia is doing fine in school, writing is slow but steady, I’m sticking to my meds regularly, getting sleep, and making gym a habit. Things aren’t bad. So why do I feel like my head is about to explode from stress?

For the last few days, I’ve been anxious for no obvious reason. Nothing is going wrong but I’m under this overwhelmning feeling of dread. At church, they had kids (and any willing adults) to light a candle of gratitude for something. I fought off the urge to go up and light a candle to be grateful for Ativan.

I honestly can’t think why I’m on edge. Ages ago, my therapist told me I’m always waiting for the next shoe to drop. While I’m not waiting for a shoe to drop, I still am dreading something and have no idea what or why. Maybe I’m nervous that I’m doing okay. Maybe it’s because I think I’m not doing enough—even though I’m doing plenty. Maybe it’s the nature of mental illness and how it ebbs and flows from dramatic heights to stiffling depths. Maybe it’s a lot of things. Either way, I feel off.

I hate it, I’m used to it, and I hate that the only thing I can do sometimes is ride it out. My anxiety isn’t a curse or a gift, but it’s an ever present source of annoyance. It doesn’t stop me completely, but it slows me down considerably. Still I move forward one step at a time. It feels like molasses but I’m moving.

Redux

August 7, 2017

I hate feeling stuck, especially with writing, but that’s where I am. I’m taking an older project that was supposed to be a web series and adapting for a stage play. The first act is done, but I’m stuck at Act 2, Scene 1, and it’s driving me nuts. I knew how I wanted the act to end and I got it there, and I know where the rest of the play is supposed to go, but where I a now is unsure. I don’t know where I am and how to move forward (story of my life, I guess). Part of it is I’m used to stopping and starting on a dime, moving on from the end point. Not this time. I’m going back to what I wrote and read it from the beginning, plus rereading my character bios just so I can get reacquainted with the material and get where to go. I don’t like it, but it’s necessary.

Some of the blog writing is helping me climb out of this writing rut. Plus there are a couple of inspired prompts that got some creative juices flowing again. It’s been a while and I am apparently much rustier than I thought. I need to rework some muscles and stretch out after a long absence.

Summer Fun

August 5, 2017

Yes, I’m really lost these days and not enjoying a lot of what my life is like today. But I can’t keep writing the same blog over and over again thinking it will do me any good. It helps to get it out, but that’s what therapy is for. I’ll probably blog about stuff like this again because, for better or worse, it is a part of my life I have to deal with. However, right now I feel like I’m dwelling on it too much, so for something different.

Sophia finished her summer Arabic Intensive last week. In late spring, she told e she didn’t want to go to the same camp as she did last year because she didn’t like all the activities she was doing (I think mostly the active physical stuff). That surprised me because she seemed to like it at the time and she said she had fun. Now I was suddenly scrounging for another place for her to go to for part of the summer. I told her we’d try to find something she’d have fun doing; the next day she brought me the application for the Arabic intensive. It’s si-days a week over almost all of July learning to read, write, and speak Arabic. I asked is this really your idea of having fun for the summer, and she said yes. So she signed up, she was accepted, and, the Tuesday after graduating middle school, started digging into Arabic.

Despite being quiet all the time about anything and everything, I always asked how she was doing in the sessions. She’d simply say fine and hop on her computer. If I pressed her for details, she was kind of vague about answers. So I let it go and it became a routine for July. The last Saturday session before the intensive ended, she burst into the house carrying three different plastic shopping bags, and yelled “I bought fruit!” The weekend before was their big field trip to the Islamic Center in Roxbury—which I was hoping to hear more about, but no such luck—but that Saturday they went to the farmer’s market is Haymarket in downtown Boston, which had a lot or Arabic and Middle Eastern sellers. They were given a dollar to spend on whatever, and buy and talk to the sellers in Arabic (I gave her allowance that morning so she was able to buy a lot). When she got home she couldn’t stop talking about buying fruit, talking in Arabic, telling me about different character usage in words, and a whole host of other things about the Arabic language that I didn’t understand at all, but she went on for about 45 minutes nonstop. It clicked with me about the farmer’s market because the marketplace is customary in Arabic and Islamic countries, so it made sense that they expose her to some of that directly—though she couldn’t haggle with these sellers as is fairly customary in Arabic markets. We talked about that too and she was pretty much on air the whole time.

The intensive was pretty good for her. She gets some language credit for high school, but she will be taking Japanese when she gets to Boston Latin Academy in the fall. Needless to say she had the right way for her to enjoy the summer.

Things in my life seem to be slipping away. Things that were at the core of my identity, things I could look to and say “this is who I am,” are becoming lost to me over the years. I had creative life goals to work for; now making it through the day is the only goal I hope to achieve. I was a nice guy for so long that it was evident; these days even saying “I’m a nice guy” rings false to my ears. I feel bitter and empty, and it’s showing more and more. I’ve been on a slow downward spiral for close to a decade, even with some financial stability I feel lost. Even though I’ve hit bottom, every time I start to climb out of it, falling back makes the hole deeper.

What’s hardest is I’ve shut a lot of people out. I don’t talk to anyone on the phone anymore, except my parents. Facebook comments to friends are common, but not always updating my status is not so much and vague.Trying to bridge that gap is a major challenge for me. I’ve abandonned them, but I’ve twisted it in my head so they’ve abandonned me. Since reaching out has never been my strongest point, I wind up stuck and alone.

My blog posts are non-existent as of late, I know that. I barely write anymore. I have so much unfinished work at various stages and they are laying dormant. And much like reaching out, it’s not that I’ve lost a gift as that I’ve abandonned those gifts. Instead of the passion I felt to start writing a project, I feel ashamed to try and start where I left off.

Things are a jumble in my hear. It’s all an endless void of suck. Thoughts and emotions get mixed up and I’m lost. I feel bad not that I’m letting myself down, but that I’m letting everyone else down. I always put myself last, so it’s okay, even though it’s not. I’m not in complete despair but, I can recognize the look and details of it as it appears closer. I knew it before sometime ago so I know what it looks like. A blog post won’t flip everything around, but it’s something.

Dear M,

Hi. I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked/texted/emailed/communicated at all, and I wanted to apologize for that. Actually I want to apologize for a lot of things, the biggest is being a lousy friend. That didn’t start immediately after we broke up, but soon enough.

I know we weren’t together for all that long, but the break up stunned me. Even after talking to death about it–how you weren’t ready for a relationship, how we both wanted different things, how we were better of as friends–it’s not something I wanted. But if I pushed harder I’d lose you as a friend. So I talked myself into staying a friend even though I wanted to be more. But even that was, to be brutally honest, cynical on my part, because somewhere in the back of my mind (the reptilian part I pretend I don’t have), I was hoping you’d “change your mind” and take me back. There was a flicker of hope that kept me going and kept up a “friendship.”

I think I was angry that you got over thing so quickly and I was stuck. You lived your life, and I couldn’t go forward. You got married, had kids, look even better now than you did 15 years ago, and I only grew bitter. That wasn’t your fault, but I resented you like it was. Still, to be your “friend” meant ignoring my feelings; so I did and blamed you for it. I became the jerk I was trying not to be.

That changed recently. I was driving a delivery when a song I never heard before came on the indie station. It was “If I Loved You” by Delta Rae. Great song and the final chorus got me bad:

“But I don’t love you much as I want to
I don’t love you, no it would be a lie
And you deserve love, you’re better than a good day
And you’ll find it but just not in my eyes
‘Cause it ain’t here love…”

It’s simple, powerful and everything you were saying to me 15 years ago but I didn’t want to hear.  It finally sunk in and yeah I get it. I was angry for stupid reasons fueled only by my own ego, and held you responsible for nothing that you did. I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole and sullen and resentful and not considering your feelings. You deserve better that my attitude and I’m truly sorry for that.

I hope you can forgive me for all this, but (I finally realize) that is your decision.

David

It’s hard to say which I’ve been losing more of: my courage to write or my will to write. I can’t say it’s a lack of ideas, although writer’s block doesn’t necessarily mean a loss of ideas. In all my life, I’ve never been unable to generate ideas; my head is constantly filled with them. While overload of ideas might be a problem, I’m not sure that the case with me at this time. Thinking it over, I’ve narrowed it down to lack of courage and lack of willpower. They are subtle, but there are differences.

Courage is easier to define. It’s having the balls not just to write whatever comes to mind, damn the critics—both inner and outer—but also the balls to do it regularly. It’s not the same courage that it takes to put on a uniform, pick up a gun, and fight for your country; it’s the courage to put thoughts to paper or posts to prevent countries from going to war. That and every bit of sentiment and emotion from there on down. Willpower is the practice itself. It’s the daily effort to stare down a blank page or screen until your eyes bleed or you start writing, whichever comes first. The more often you do it the easier it gets and the more reflexive it becomes.

Mine has always been a struggle between courage and will. There are days I have the time and abililty to write, but my inner voices have me silenced. Other days I know exactly what to say, but get swamped, exhausted, distracted, or all three at once. The end result is the same: months without any writing output and occasionally forced to produce on a deadline. And all that while writing becomes fearful, less instinctive, and less productive.

It’s not effortless to write this, but it’s not easy. This isn’t what I should be writing now, but it’s what I can put out now. I’ve been underusing muscles, not only in the gym, but in my mind. My knees are bothering me, but that can be healed with rest and physical therapy. My stagnation is bothering, but the only way to fix that is to write a little bit at a time. Hopefully I can heal myself, body and mind, eventually.

In my home homily (my Feb. 24 blog post as well as a sermon), I confess that all the ordeals over the last few years have changed me in a lot of unrecoverable ways. I’m still processing who I am now and who I was then and what changes have been made. It’s easy to see when you’re in a different space than you were, how things look physically; it’s harder to to say how you feel after the fact, emotionally, psychologically. I’m some sense you’re still going through the effects, delayed as they ay be, and partially waiting for the other show to drop (I always feel something else is going to come at me hard). In other ways you still have to function and get through the day, the week, the month; there is no tie for self for self reflection, you have things to do. While some things have calmed down, you can take a quick glance at what’s going on.

I think the biggest hit to me was my writing. It’s always been a huge part of my identity. I knew I was that even if things got hard. Now it’s the writing that’s hard. Granted I’ve always been a perfectionist with writing—trying to get every word exactly right even before a finished rough draft making writing slow and arduous; but now I feel really stifled not knowing what I’m doing or even if I’m doing it right. I spent a year with my computer in storage which had some of my current projects on it in stasis. The dumb thing is I like to write long hand first. But somehow that just made the effort to get started almost unbearable. I’m writing stuff, but haven’t felt creative in a long time.

Most of this comes from being in survival mode. Like I said, not time to write; I have things to do—survive. Can’t focus on anything other than making sure I have what I need. When it comes to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses mine it to freeze until danger passes. Freezing is no action and that includes writing. The thing is I’ve been frozen in one place for so long that it’s hard to move at all now. Hence the writing has suffered.

What I have found is I do well in short bursts. Not only time of writing but length of story. At one point I may have had a half dozen books and two or three memoirs in me, but I know now it’s only one novel (if any), one autobiography and maybe a memoir. For the most part I’m working in short form pretty well—poems, flash fiction, short-shorts, blogs and commentaries. It’s a plus. If anything I’ve always said baby steps are a way to go forward. Forwards is key.

I might not be the writer I was before, and I’m not sure if that’ good or bad. I do have to keep moving. Time will tell.