Dating for Misanthropes

October 31, 2015

I’m torn about dating. I think I’m of three minds about things. First, I know I’m in no financial, mental or emotional state to go on a date with anyone; I know this so I have sworn off dating for a while. Whether that’s until I’m more stable or when Sophia is off at college I haven’t figured out. The second part thinks maybe it would help my mental state to meet someone new, or at least see what is out there that is possible for me. Human connections are helpful and are needed for those that are isolated. So maybe trying to meet someone—with no preconceived expectiations—might help out. The third part of me really wants to get laid. If human connection is helpful but a long-term commitment is doubtful (and/or detrimental to others), there’s always splitting the difference with sex. Studes have proven sexual activity (with a partner) can do wonders staving off depression and anxiety. The downside is the whole meeting people thing. Craigslist is an invitation to death and other sites are filled with spambots, catfishers and shut ins.

And as usual I only have my blog to complain about it on. Yeah I could post a dating profile somewhere, but not sure how the brutal honesty would go over.

“46 year old single Latino father, part-time delivery driver, history of mental illness seeking partner/girlfriend/significant other/fuck buddy/other (please circle one). Likes movies/TV/movies on TV, cooking, writing, free-form philosophical arguments, good animation, Star Trek, and light bondage (not a deal breaker). Must be willing to take T as I have no car. Not sure if this will work, but I figure I’d be an optimist and give it a shot.”

I’m not sure whether to post this on Christian Mingle or Tinder. Which one is more misanthropic?

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I don’t know why I feel so out of it these days. I know I have goog daya snd bad days with my own particular depressive/anxiety problems, but do the lows always have to feel so sould crushing? It’s not like I can be depressed AND go to the gym or write or whatever; I have to be so depressed that I don’t wan tto go anywhere, except to work when I have to. I also haven’t written in a few weeks. It’s not even that I’m stuck in a story; I can’t muster the will needed to pick up a pen. I know what I have is a problem of chemistry, not about laziness. Mental illness is a biologic disorder, at the very least a medical one. I just feel more lost than usual.

Why is trying to take care of yourself and your own needs such a struggle? I know I need to carve out time to write, exercize and rest so I can be functional; but why, when faced with the other priorities of the day—work, shopping, cleaning, picking up Sophia, etc.—why do I always put my needs last? Or better yet, why do I see it as an all or nothing proposition? If I take care of myself, I forsake everyone and everything else; or if I want to help Sophia, everything personal gets throuwn out the window. It shouldn’t be an eithter/or situation but my head keeps turning it into one. Why? I have no clue.

What’s funny is I can’t completely blame it on mental illness. It’s a huge component of it, but putting me last is something ingrained in me since childhood. Yes it’s a learned trait that can be unlearned, but how easy had that ever been? I’m still fighting fights with myself that should have died long ago. Just add this to the list. Meanwhile I’ll petition to get a 28 hour day—that’ll be easier.

A friend of mine had a list that I liked. It was based on the Voyager Golden Record. While the Voyager Golden Record was sounds of the diversity of life on the planet sent into space for alien civilizations, this challenge is all music. If you could send a record of 25 songs (and ONLY 25 songs) that would signify the essence of yourself to another civilization, what would you choose? My list is below in no particular order.

  1. Amadeus Mozart “Requiem: Introitus/Kyrie”
  2. “Red House” Jimi Hendrix (May 24, 1969 live recording)
  3. “Heroes” David Bowie
  4. “Come On-A My House” Rosemary Clooney
  5. “One Love” Playing For Change version featuring Keb’ Mo’
  6. “Hardware Store” Weird Al Yankovic
  7. “Linus and Lucy” Vince Guaraldi Trio
  8. “This Nearly Was Mine” “South Pacific” (Brian Stokes Mitchell version)
  9. “Cure for Pain” Morephine
  10. “Greenland Whale Fisheries” Pete Seeger version
  11. “Hard Times Come Again No More” Iron and Wine version
  12. “Third Stone From the Sun” Jimi Hendrix
  13. “In My Life” The Beatles
  14. “Dear Prudence” The Beatles
  15. “I’ve Loved These Days” Billy Joel
  16. “Lullaby” Billy Joel
  17. “Minutes to Memories” John Mellencamp
  18. “Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream” Alro Guthrie and Shenandoah version
  19. “Time” Tori Amos version
  20. “Abiyoyo” Pete Seeger
  21. “Magic Store” The Muppets
  22. “Wonder Why” Dizzy Gillespie (Verve Big Band Sessions)
  23. “Istanbul” They Might Be Giants
  24. “Wonderwall” Oasis
  25. “Oceans” Pearl Jam