Internet Philosophy

December 28, 2014

Here’s why seeking words of wisdom on Facebook is a bad idea (granted living your life meme-to-meme is a horrible way to exist to begin with). First a friend posted this quote:

“You must aim high, not in what you are going to do at some future date, but in what you are going to make yourself do today.”—Edgar Degas

Scroll down slightly, and another friend posted this:

“Zen Things:

1. Do one thing at a time
2. Do it slowly and deliberately
3. Do it completely
4. Do less
5. Put space between things
6. Develop rituals
7. Designate time for certain things
8. Devote time to sitting
9. Smile and serve others
10. Make cleaning and cooking become meditation
11. Think about what is necessary
12. Live simply.”

I don’t thing I made it past #5 before I could feel synapses popping in my brain. Either one by themselves is good motivation; put them in the same sentence and your head explodes. Granted a lot of this means I have a wide range of friends; just some of them can’t be together at the same party.

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Transition Year(s)

December 27, 2014

I was talking to a friend about how things were going lately, and after listening to the status report said it sounds like this is a year of transition. I told him I feel like I’ve been in transition for the last couple of years. Although to be honest aboutthis, I’ve been in transition since 2009 when I left WGBH.

It was a downward spiral of losss of work, money, identity, safety that’s been going on since the big management trap and the fallout since then. The death of Sophia’s mom made it worse, as at the height of depression I had to be the sole responsible parent to a 10 year old. I still feel like I’m in transition from that and it’s been 18 months. What’s stupid is I somehow feel like there is a timetable for all this. Like if I’m not over any of this by a specific time you lost the race or game or whatever.

Fact is there is no timetable for grief or loss. You don’t just get over it. There’s a lot to deal with and for some the process takes longer. It really shouldn’t matter but every once in a while I hear the chorus of one two many past echoes—and actual present voices—of you need to get over it. Unfortunately, once in a while I listen to them. I’m better at ignoring them some days, but there’s always that survivor’s guilt of not being able to get past emotionally traumatic events. I can also say I need to get over those voices saying to get over it, but I guess it’s all of a process however long it takes.

Some days I’d like to hurry it along but I can’t. I guess I have to deal with that too. Add it to the list of things to deal with.

Still Trying

December 4, 2014

It’s December now and I’m still working on that short-short I was hoping to finish November 30. As I’ve said before, I write fast fiction, but I don’t write fiction fast. Honestly I don’t even know if it’s a problem or not. Part of me hates when I can’t be a man of my word and do something when I say I will, but another part of me hates when I take on too much work and thus can’t do the work I need to when I said I’d do it. Part of me is ready to beat myself up for not working faster, another part wonders why I make unrealistic demands on myself.

When I was just out of grad school and by myself, I was able to maintain a rigorous writing schedule and completed 10 screenplays in 12 years (among other things), while holding down full time work. Now that I have a full time daughter and a part time job, if given the choice between writing or sleeping I’d rather sleep (or force a third option and lie on the couch watching TV). Is it getting older? Yes, partly. Is it because of different priorities at any given time? Definitely. Is that bad? No, it’s just life.

I write what I can when I can. I’d like to do more but it’s the best I can offer at the moment. Sometimes what I can do is a 1,000 word essay, sometime’s it might be half a sentence. At least I’m still trying. If anything I need to give myself some slack—or at least tell that nagging part of me to shut the fuck up.