Different Dreams

June 28, 2014

I’ve been, at the very least, unfocused these last few months. I’m definitely not myself. While things have been going okay and stabilizing, still a bunch of hurdles pop up and throw me. The Diabetes is one of them. I know I’m supposed to eat better, no sugary snacks, no sodas, more greens, lose weight; but getting my head around it is still not easily done. I’ve fallen off the wagon numerous times, but I haven’t felt much like getting back on. Granted I’m snacking slightly healthier, but I’m still taking in more food than would help. My numbers are actually pretty good (ac1=5.7% and average 115 glucose count over 14 days) and I’m down two more pounds, I’m still not where I should be, and worse I’m back to beating myself up about it. That’s not a habit I can change overnight but it’s very hard to get rid of. My doctor says I’m doing okay and to keep up the good work. Hopefully I can. Still that’s not the real problem.

Any time a problem pops up, I know I need to face it, but looking at the problem then thinking about it all I want to do is to dive under the covers and hide. I’m trying to face things better, but it feels harder for me these days. I still feel lost. I have now for several years since the incidents at WGBH forced me out and the downwards spiral after the child support court date. I needed help and didn’t get any; in fact things got worse. I’m not at my lowest point anymore, but trying to get up is still hard.

I think a lot of this is I’m not anywhere I hoped I would be in my life. Back in college, I really thought I wanted to make films. I still do. When Matt Damon and Ben Affleck announced the return of Project Greenlight, I tried to think of a project I could do or a project I had already I could submit. It felt like this was a last chance play for me; a Hail Mary to get me into making movies, Hollywood and fame and I want to take it. The next day was taking an inventory of what resources I have currently to make a short film to submit.

Then something worse came up. Sophia has been going to the same afterschool/summer camp for the last three years and she really likes it there. When our in-home therapists asked if we needed help getting into a summer program, I declined because we already had one. The program needed my paystubs and paperwork to renew the slot she was given, which I do every year. I thought it would be easier this year as I only had the one part time job. However that didn’t happen. I don’t meet the minimum hours for the program so instead of a subsidized slot, I would have to pay the full amount—a little over $120 a week—which I can’t do. Since I can’t pay that regularly and up front, next week is Sophia’s last week at the program. She took it very hard. She barely talked to me, was moodier than usual, and eventually cried herself to sleep last night. I tried to comfort her. I told her that I could get her somewhere for the summer with some help and it will take time, but she wants to stay there. I don’t blame her. After her mom’s death, it was one of the places that stayed the same along with school and residence and that gave her stability. Now just as she graduated to the sixth grade—meaning a new school—she loses the afterschool she wanted to hold onto a little while longer.

I feel bad because I can’t control the situation and can do very little to console her. The only thing I can do is find a place we can afford to place her, find help to place her and have her go for the summer through the fall. I’m contacting people who can help out, despite it being a weekend, and seeing what can be done.

Something struck me today that’s been in the back of my head for a while. What are my motives for making movies? I always thought it was love of film and communication, but I think back to a conference where Edward James Olmos was receiving an award. He chastised the audience for being too fearful of creating art because we’re too busy wanting to become famous. I think he’s right in my case. I don’t really remember making films to do something original; I was doing something to get attention. I want the fame and the recognition, not the messiness of working in the film industry. Sometimes I wanted to be in the film rather than make it, or make it so I could be in the film. I think that’s why I’ve been unable to make serious inroads for a long time now, but struggling to make even small steps. I think I want the big splash, overnight success rather than paying dues.

With my daughter it’s different. I’m her father and her only living parent, so I need to look out for her interests. No one else will so I have to. So of course Hollywood doesn’t seem like a big deal to me anymore; my daughter comes first. I’m pretty focused on that even when it’s hard to do the right thing. Plus I really can make a short film any time, and make it because I want to say something not be someone. So I’ve put the Project Greenlight idea on the shelf, because my daughter has a bigger problem that needs fixing. Different priorities are okay when you know when to let go of old things that no longer hold true. I need to focus on different things.


Marquee Humor

June 25, 2014

Seen this week on the Lexington Venue in Lexington, MA:

Million Dollar Arm
Words and Pictures

So this is a foreign film??

I saw this about a week ago at the Fresh Pond Cinema in Cambridge, MA:

Blended Rio

Technically I think that’s a caipirinha, but… okay.

They changed it this week to:

Rio Blended

which if you know anything about Rio is really redundant.

Fall of Mosul

June 13, 2014

Rachel Maddow talked about the situation in Iraq as like the Fall of Saigon in 1975. So strange to be experiencing this. Juan Cole’s article gives a great (though head spinning) historical account of Iraq and sheds some light as to why the rise of ISIS is so terrifying.